The Future Might Not Be Black
by Bell Witch
Summary: At seventeen, there's nothing on Sirius Black's mind but girls, pranks, and quidditch, is there?


**Title: **The Future Might Not Be Black

**Author: **Bell Witch

**Rating/Warnings: **Adult content in the form of swearing, but no F-bombs. Other than that, this fanfic is safe for the whole family. Dazzling lack of anything resembling a plot.

**Disclaimer: **Characters from Harry Potter aren't mine: they are the brainchildren of JK Rowling. Some publishing companies have rights to them as well, and WB owns film versions. This is for entertainment only, and nobody's making any money here.

**Notes:** Thanks to my beta Tarallynne Moon, who caught a couple of errors. All the other errors are mine. Written for the first "Brain" (that of Sirius Black) at The Memory Room ( Thought #11: _At the age of seventeen, there's nothing else in Sirius' mind but girls, pranks, and Quidditch. Is there?_ Bonus: completely by accident, I included a paraphrased line from an Alan Rickman movie. See if you can find it.

**Archive:** This will be posted on with a link through the Memory Room, as that's how it works. There will be a link at my livejournal when the MR rules allow it.

First brain begins 16 March 2005.

It was quiet up in the dormitory room that the Marauders shared. On a normal evening, it would be strange to have only one boy in the room, since the friends usually went about in pairs when all four didn't go to bed at the same time. It was even more unusual that the solitary figure lying quietly on his bed was Sirius Black.

The party to celebrate Gryffindor's triumph on the quidditch pitch was still going strong, but Sirius had claimed a slight headache and made his way to the quiet bedroom alone. He was a bit surprised to get away so easily: his claim of not feeling well could have backfired, ending him up in to the hospital wing. Sirius was never ill, and Remus had shown genuine concern. Sirius had put him off, barely, stating that he probably just had too much butterbeer and just needed some sleep. He had only had one bottle.

Sirius wanted to be alone. He didn't know why, but the crowd down in the common room seemed too loud for once. He normally loved to be around people, to be the centre of attention, but tonight for some reason he just couldn't stand it anymore.

There was a reason: he just didn't want to think about it.

He was not quite eighteen years old and, after a few months more at Hogwarts, he had his whole life ahead of him. He had youth, good looks, decent marks, and a bright future, right? Right now, he should be wild with anticipation, burning to get out and make his way in the world. The truth of the situation was much different. Sirius had an icy lump growing in the pit of his stomach, which had been getting harder to ignore since the winter holidays. Some days, he could almost pretend that things were going perfectly, but they were getting rarer.

Christmas had been wonderful. Sirius made a brief stop at his flat and then joined James at his parents' house, as he'd done for years. They said it was Sirius' home, too, and he was welcome anytime. Just as he'd been welcome when he left the Black house almost two years previously.

It had felt so good to leave his family forever. He didn't need them, and they made no secret that he was a great disappointment. Regulus could carry on the Black tradition, second son or not. He'd been sorted into Slytherin, and been a true scion of the family ever since. Maybe it was kind of weird to not ever speak to his own brother. Sirius had tried to maintain some sort of relationship when he'd moved in with James, but Regulus had brushed off his efforts. He hadn't tried terribly hard, since they had never been close. James was more like a brother than Reg had ever been, and things had been great for a while.

Perhaps he _was _still welcome at the Potters', even if James was heading on to auror training. Sirius didn't know if he'd be comfortable going to Sunday dinner without his best friend there.

Sirius didn't really want to be an auror. He didn't want to try for a job at the Ministry of Magic, either. The gold his Uncle Alphard had left him would last a while, and if he got a job at a shop in Diagon Alley (or something) that would give him time to decide what he wanted to do. He'd been thinking and thinking, but he just didn't know. He supposed he could put things off a bit, but that would make returning to school, if that's what he needed to do for whatever career he decided upon, that much more difficult.

Why was everything so complicated, now, when it hadn't been before?

Everything had seemed so simple. He thought that, once he'd escaped from the darkness of the Black household, his future would somehow be made clear.

For some months, life had been wonderful. He loved staying with James and his family, and he had three great friends at Hogwarts. James, of course, was up for anything. Remus' lycanthropy no longer bothered Sirius, if it ever had. They'd become animagi in order to join the quiet boy, whose illness had given him insights into life that rarely failed to make Sirius think. Peter idolised James and Sirius, which was flattering. Maybe people thought that Sirius Black had it all, but his family had done nothing but make him feel worthless ever since he'd gone off to Hogwarts and got sorted into the 'wrong' house. Peter's adoration was a balm to Sirius' battered ego.

In the latter part of sixth year, everything started going to hell. His cousin Narcissa married, and he wasn't invited to the wedding. Not that he'd wanted to go, since she was marrying Lucius Malfoy, of all people, and weddings were boring, anyway. But it was the first family occasion that he'd been left out of, and it made his walking out seem so final. Narcissa's sister Bellatrix was getting married soon, and he wasn't invited to that, either.

The pranks he pulled with James took effort, and he had to study more. He admitted that he probably tried harder with the practical jokes than with schoolwork, but his classes had always been fairly easy before. James needed to crack down if he wanted to be an auror, and Peter didn't want to be left behind. Remus had always had the best marks of any of them. Studying so much made Sirius testy, and, while he tried not to snap at his friends too much, he didn't mind taking his frustration out on others.

Derogatory remarks about Slytherins, made loudly in the Great Hall, caused a bit of a stir. His main target was generally his younger brother, but he also made extra efforts to annoy James' nemesis, "Snivellus" Snape. Regulus was younger and seethed openly at Sirius' remarks, but he also had mates who helped him with comebacks against Gryffindors. (Although, how many times could they say "Gryffindork" and still think it was funny? Ok, so it _was_ funny…) Snape, on the other hand, was in his own year and pretty much friendless. He didn't react visibly most of the time, merely seethed inside. Occasionally, he'd break down and actually fight with the Marauders, which was generally amusing to Sirius, James, Peter, and whatever audience they'd managed to attract. They'd got Snivelly good last year during OWLs.

This year, Sirius had built upon that little victory. Things had heated up, and it was fun for a while. Then, it got out of hand. What had he been thinking, telling Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow? Right away, he knew he'd gone too far and panicked. James had saved three people that night--Snape literally, and Remus as well. He'd also saved Sirius from his own stupidity. In the headmaster's office, Sirius had pretended not to care. When he didn't get expelled, he was only slightly less shocked than Snape had been, if far more pleased. Still, nothing had been the same since that night, and Sirius admitted—if only to himself—that it was his own fault.

Outwardly, not much changed. Inside, he noticed his friends pulling away.

It was understandable that Remus would be upset. If James hadn't…If Remus had…If Snape was bitten or killed… Yes, Remus had every reason to be angry with Sirius, even if he claimed to have forgiven him later. Why James was so pissed off was another thing entirely. Potter's hatred for Snape was the reason that Sirius had started to pick on the rotten prat in the first place; so all this indignation on Snape's behalf was really hypocritical. That burned. It had almost been easier when James had finally got together with Lily Evans at the end of sixth year. That way, he could claim it was that relationship that took up James' time.

He might have seen less of James, but dating Lily had made him more forgiving of Sirius, and when they were together it was almost like old times.

Old times. For what, eight months or so when he was sixteen, things had been great. Free of his family, with his friends, looking forward to the future. Things went awry then, and Sirius didn't know how to put his life back together.

He thought that Peter was feeling it, too, this discord among the Marauders. He'd been alternately more passive than normal, but with occasional outbursts of temper that had Sirius wondering if there wasn't some severe repressed anger in his podgy companion. Maybe it was just the stress of NEWTs getting to them all.

If Remus really did forgive him, then why did he ignore Sirius so much? He gave Peter plenty of help when they studied. Perhaps it was just that Peter needed it more. James and Lily were getting pretty serious. As Head Boy and Girl, they spent even more time together than they would have if they'd only been dating. A wedding didn't seem too farfetched for the couple's future. That was something else he didn't have.

Sirius never had a problem getting a girl to walk with him in Hogsmeade, or to study with him, or even for a snogging session. None of them really meant anything, though, and he wanted them to. He wanted somebody to care for, like James had Lily. For the first time since he'd come to Hogwarts, Sirius was lonely.

He figured it was part of growing up. He didn't like it at all.

He liked even less the guilty feeling he had every time he set eyes on Snape. He still hated the other boy. He hated Snape now more than James did, probably. It wasn't hard to dislike the ugly, arrogant, greasy, snarky, and just plain nasty boy. He was probably a Death Eater, too, or soon would be. Was that reason enough for him to put the Slytherin's life in danger? Didn't that put Sirius and Snivellus…Snape…or, Severus? No, Snape. Wasn't that enough to put them both in the same category? Dark wizards or not, Sirius didn't think anyone in his family had killed anyone, and he didn't want to be the first. Did Snape really deserve to die just for being there?

Sirius knew that he didn't.

That knowledge, plus massive guilt, had led Sirius to try to apologise—for real, not like he had to do in Dumbledore's office. It had taken him nearly a month to work up the juice to approach the Slytherin. Snape had seen him coming and taken off in the opposite direction, making his way to his dungeon common room where Sirius couldn't follow. For days that turned into weeks, Sirius lurked about, trying to catch Snape on his own. Every time Snape noticed Sirius, he would disappear almost as if he had his own invisibility cloak. No, he was just fast and sneaky, and Sirius took up the challenge.

Finally, he managed to wait outside the library one night until Snape left. Cornered, and with an armful of books, Snape couldn't even draw his wand.

"Bloody hell, Snape, won't you just listen to me?" he'd asked. He agreed to stop following Snape if he would just hear Sirius out, and Snape agreed.

The apology was long and well thought out. When he was finished, Sirius felt lighter than he had in ages. That is, until Snape had told him in no uncertain terms what he could do with his pathetic excuses for attempted murder. He moved past, shoving Sirius out of the way with his shoulder and calling behind that Sirius had better leave him alone now, unless his promises were as weak as his ethics.

Stunned, Sirius watched the black-robed figure disappear into the darkness. He said he was sorry, and he meant it. Snape _knew_ he meant it and still threw it back in his face. The relief he'd felt immediately after his confession of guilt was completely gone. His remorse would remain, probably forever, because Snape would never forgive him or even acknowledge Sirius' genuine regret for his actions.

Sirius stood alone outside the library until Madam Pince had emerged and told him that he needed to return to his common room or face detention. Nodding dumbly, he moved along slowly. He picked up speed as he walked, thinking about Snape and why wouldn't he just let Sirius unburden himself, the git? By the time he'd reached the Fat Lady's portrait, Sirius had worked himself into a seething rage.

Damn Snape! If he thought that Sirius was going to spend any more time feeling like crap over what he'd done, then he was as stupid as he was ugly. Sirius had enough real problems and concerns about his friends to spend time worrying over old Snivellus. The hell with that!

Still, maybe the attempted apology would win him some points with James and Remus. It wasn't his fault that it hadn't been accepted. Yes, he was sure that Remus would at least appreciate his effort. Perhaps James would as well, and they could all say what a bastard Snape was and things would be just like before, at least for a little while.

For a little while, Sirius could pretend that his friends weren't drifting away and that his future wasn't uncertain. He could be safe and popular and happy again, for a little while.

Only when he heard footsteps coming up the dormitory stairs did Sirius let himself drift off to sleep.

_Finished 29 March 2005 at 3:39 a.m. (Being 9:39 a.m. Zulu time.) Insomnia R Us._


End file.
